Saturday, December 4, 2010

Distinguished hope of a dying benevolence from a (not so) ingenious mind.

 It's late. I felt like a superficial smile all day that walked around with a stale sense of interest in others. There is something about that one-dimensional world I find myself wandering in so often that causes me long for a real and certainly more interesting place of an unrefined present and the idea of an unwritten future.   

I feel an added sense of well being as I untie the knots in my brain that have accumulated throughout the day and begin to wonder how I could be so …dense.
What if I could tempt myself with the idea that I am mildly altruistic? That a part of my being is left untouched and I am not altogether a listless derivative of mankind. My degenerate mindset causes me to drift from thought to thought like a nomadic machine, programed to allow escape from the organic truth and enter into a world of obtuse and simple thoughts where I am the sovereign, drowning any hope of raw happiness. We are all prodigies at the hypnotization of our own minds.
But now, here I am, breaking the spell and entering into analytic stimulation. My biased animosity crumbles with apparent difficulty. I am captivated, no longer the sovereign and unrestrained by the cognitive limits that I had previously placed over myself. I no longer see things, at least for this short moment, so egocentrically as I did before.
I attempt to exfoliate the thick shell of shallow thinking I have grown so accustomed to and find traces of a carbonated, vibrant, and partially philanthropic self beyond the monochrome skin. What lies deep within my mind, passed the chapped surface, is a surprisingly constructive humanly individual. Though awfully tainted by imperfection, hope shines through. I am alive.
(I incessantly find myself lost in thought when adjustments need to be made in my life. I am, even now, provoked by change. Things happen, positives turn into negatives, circumstances change, and at times it's as if life itself seems to take a different course – all for better or worse.)
I want to sink into effervescence and away from the illusion of security I convinced myself of having, away from partiality and into fidelity. The world isn't so cumbersome after all.
Helen Keller said, "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." Brilliant words.
I don't want to live as a non-essential part of the world. This is my life, my world. Every facet of my being adds to the element of life as a whole. I want to show unsophisticated devotion; I want to learn how to think indispensable thoughts and show extraordinary characteristics of a human mind hand crafted from God's own image. I want a bright future, just like everyone else, but what about beyond that? What about changing the world? Is that such an impossible thought? I've learned to have such a passive and benign mindset and I'm tired of it. I want invigoration. I want to feel anger, happiness, sorrow, love. I have such a callow and derisory way of thinking and I want to be free of it. Give me an intense anticipation of the inevitable future. I am ready for any dark surprise, any hopeless love, any... anything. Entertain my thoughts with stellar values. Show me something to believe in.
- Bethany Palmer
 (my sister)

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